My second pregnancy surgery story and my experience with post partum depression

How many of you have experienced or know someone who has experienced postpartum depression? According to the CDC, studies show about 1 in 8 women experience symptoms of postpartum depression. That is a lot of women! Well, I was one of them.

Let’s start from the beginning. 

On Sunday, February 3rd, 2019, I took a pregnancy test. I had not missed my monthly friend yet but something in my body told me to take one. After 3 long minutes, there was a light pink line. Although, my husband and I shared joy at the thought of our daughter having a sibling. We did not want to get too excited until we knew for sure. Since it was still so early, we figured we would make an appointment for later in the week.

If I recall correctly it was about 4:00 am the next morning. I started experiencing the worst cramps I had ever felt. I was on the floor, in tears, with so much pain. My husband called my mom to come over and watch the baby while we went to the emergency room. When we arrived, I was sent to a room rather quickly. I told the doctor everything I was feeling and about the “positive” pregnancy test. Naturally, the nurse drew blood. I then went for ultra-sound imaging. I remember suffering during the whole bumpy ride down. The tech didn’t say much during the ultra-sound. Despite the fact I was in so much pain, I was anxiously waiting for her to say, “there’s the yolk sack,” as our sonographer had expressed to us when my husband and I first found out about Marci (our first.) Instead, before she hung the probe she said, “you will be okay.” I will be okay? What the hell did that mean?! 

Moments later, the doctor came to our room and sat down. She looked at me with a face full of sorrow as she explained to us I had an ectopic pregnancy BUT not in my fallopian tube. Rather, on my ovary. I had internal bleeding which was causing the pain. I was scheduled to have emergency surgery at 7:00 am. I was so confused, aching in pain both physically and emotionally. 

After surgery, my OB-GYN explained to me what happened during surgery. He had to remove about 80% of my right ovary to clean up the internal bleeding and tissue mass. I was discharged a couple hours later. Filled with emotions and pain medication for that matter it was a quiet ride home. I probably cried about 10x that week thinking I lost my baby and I would have a harder time getting pregnant with one “working” ovary.  

My doctor called that Friday, he instructed me to come in right away to discuss my biopsy results. Can you imagine the thoughts running through my head when he said that! I made it there within the hour anticipating what he was going to say. It turned out the mass we thought was my baby was a giant blast of cysts that had burst. He ordered more blood work to check my HCG levels. Sure enough, those levels were rising. We did an ultrasound at 6 weeks and finally the little dot that warmed my heart. Despite surgery, my little embryo was in there just minding her own business until she was ready to make her debut in my womb. I was considered an at-risk pregnancy due to how much blood I had lost during surgery. I had doctor appointments 2-4 times a month for probably my entire pregnancy. 

Ahh.. the delivery. Much different than my first, the labor was more intense as my epidural didn’t take so I pretty much felt everything. However, the recovery was much quicker. I said to myself, “I’ve got this.” Well, after 3 months I most certainly did not have it. 

At first, I denied the fact I may be experiencing postpartum depression. I just felt so angry at the slightest things. What I needed was a FREAKING break! I found myself sitting in wineries or local bars just enjoying a few moments to myself. I would count down the minutes until I would arrive back home to whatever mess awaited me. 

A couple of months later businesses started closing due to Covid-19. Quarantine had begun, and so did the worst of my depression. How was it that I was home all day, yet I still couldn’t get my life together? I wasn’t lazy, I was tired. I wasn’t a bad mom. I just needed help.

I started having sharp chest pains and was more tired than ever before. Needless to say, I thought I had Coronavirus and went to the doctor. After breaking down in tears while trying to explain to the physician how I was feeling, he looked at me and said, “you do not have Covid, my dear, you have kids.” I couldn’t help but laugh. 

One night after the kids had gone to sleep. I got my journal out and wrote down my To-do/Mish’n list. I realized everything on that list was tasks I needed to do for others. When was the last time I did something for myself? I had no friends, no hobbies, no job, and barely any self-care. I knew things needed to change or I would lose my absolute mind. So…

I re-worked my list. 

Be sure to subscribe to my blog for notifications each time I post something new. Stay tuned for Mish’n 1: The Hustle. As always, thank you all for your continued support! #momsmishnfam

12 Hours Post Surgery 02/04/2019.
Baby Shower, September 2019.

How I Became my Mother

Welcome to Moms Mishn!

woman carrying baby at beach during sunset
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

My name is Michelle aka Mish, and I am ALWAYS on a mission. Since becoming a mother my mission list has become longer and my days shorter, but I always find a way.

I came across a sample paper I did in college the other day on one of my good ol’ cleaning missions. We were instructed to write a short paper on the person who has had the greatest influence in our lives. I wanted to share the sample in my first blog post as a dedication to my mom, who has always told me, “you can do anything you put your mind to.”

Sample Paper

1 September 2015

A little girl told her mother, “When I grow up, I want to be just like you.” The little girl was me. I continue to realize what an amazing woman I have been blessed with to call my own. My mother is my teacher, friend, and role model. She has the greatest influence on my life. Her strong independence and heartless actions are among the many characteristics I admire. Any woman can have a baby, but it takes a lot of love, patience, and care to become a mother.

My mother is the solid foundation of our family. After my parents divorced, my mother faced multiple challenges as a single mom to provide for her family. Financial stability became a struggle. She was not given the opportunity to attend college as a result of getting married at a very young age. I was very proud of my mom when she received her state license as a Nail Technician. She found her passion and she went for it. I admire her strength, willpower, and accomplishments that encourage me to aim for success. As the nurture of four children, she continued to dispense her unconditional love equally. Her extraordinary ways of loving taught me patience. Being the oldest of my siblings required me to mature at a young age. I had to cook and clean in order to care for my brothers and sisters. There were many days my mother worked long hours to maintain a roof over our heads and food on the table. She sacrificed to give us birthday parties, Christmas gifts, and vacations she couldn’t always afford.

The greatest influence my mom has had on me is my independence. She has raised me to be strong and not have to depend on anyone. There were times I’ve felt I was not good enough or could not achieve things. For example, when I had job interviews I would become nervous. She constantly reminded me of my potential, “you can do anything you put your mind to”. Her words motivate me every day to be the best I can be. I decided to go back to school to receive my degree in Social Work, not only for my passion to lift the lives of others but to lift my own life as well. I could not have made this decision without her.

As the years go by, I continue to look up to this wonderful woman. I can only hope to be half the mother she is. The day I was born she not only gave me the gift of life but the gift of her kind heart. There are many moms I have come across who have had negative impacts on children’s lives. To see a parent’s influence change the way of life can be good or bad. Some women do not have the patience it takes to raise a child. Some friends often joke by saying they are going to steal my mom for themselves. Although I laugh at the witticism, I am honored to have a role model I can call my mother.

The Future

Fast-forwarding six years later, I never did finish my degree. I made the sacrifice to dedicate my undivided attention to my firstborn. I went from working a full-time job, attending classes, and being financially independent to a broke stay-at-home mom who needed to rely on her husband for money. I quickly learned that did NOT work well for me. I have always been independent and I loathed the thought of having to ask other people for things. Therefore, my mission was to make my own money and still be with my baby since daycare wasn’t an option. I found an evening position at a local department store, it felt good to be able to make and spend my own money again.

Well, 3 months into working, I was pregnant again! I probably worked for another 3 months before leaving. I was exhausted, 6 months pregnant and spend all day with a toddler.

After my second was born, things became overwhelming. I experienced emotions I never felt before. I didn’t know what was happening, I was failing as a mother, wife, and just being me. I was angry all the time.

We all have missions. Sometimes we just need a little encouragement and positivity to get them accomplished.

Stay tuned for my next blog on Dealing with Post-partum depression.